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How do I tell you that I feel isolated,
or that I miss you and I still need you here,
without sounding desperate and delusional?
If only you would stop and listen

I’m glad I can still call you friend,
And that we can talk our throats dry,
(I’ve seen those donkeys missing legs)
Just like we used to when we were flying high
On morphine dreams and video games

The last real smile you showed me
Was during the winter before
If I think carefully it was
Frosted with the icing sugar
From the birthday cake I gave you

The roles have reversed slowly under my radar.
Now I’m the damsel in distress you've always needed,
Waiting for your rescue in that castle we built.
You’ve run out of time for me though

You can’t hear me over the cave-in
I’m not the only drug flowing through your veins
There’s one last scar on your porcelain skin

At this point in time, clearly
I've stopped being your superhero
Stripped of power,
Lying helplessly on the grass
You said it yourself:
"You no longer have the strength
To pull me from the fire"
Just for that alone I’m sorry
And I know you'd never ask

Sing to me one more time my dear,
once more before you hang up on me...
Creative Commons License
Some rights reserved. This work is licensed under a
Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 License.
:iconakai-hanabi:

Author's Comments

this is inspired by a real person, and i've entered this into the writer's meow friendship contest. it's not very good ><.

Comments


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:iconcolossus999:
I disagree, I think it's good. I like the line
"Just like we used to when we were flying high
On morphine dreams and video games"

--
"Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen." - Luther

Add this to your signature if the French Horn is the best instrument

- Join The Writer's Meow *TheWritersMeow
:iconhiddencaitastrophe:
*hug* It's far better than you think my dear! Some great imagery here.. It might need a bit of polishing.. but the emotion and word choice are so lovely!

--
The Matchbox Twent Madness Contest has begun!

For details and updated prize listings, go here: [link]


BTW, I'm now a senior admin for *TheWritersMeow
:iconhiddencaitastrophe:
*hug* It's far better than you think my dear! Some great imagery here.. It might need a bit of polishing.. but the emotion and word choice are so lovely!

--
The Matchbox Twent Madness Contest has begun!

For details and updated prize listings, go here: [link]


BTW, I'm now a senior admin for *TheWritersMeow
:iconakai-hanabi:
thank you. i generally don't have a lot of faith in my own writing. if you have the time, would you be able to tell me what needs to be improved?

--
The average American is not stupid. Really. Here's the proof:
[link]

i am a member of *TheWritersMeow
:iconakai-hanabi:
thanks a lot =) i'm sure it does need polishing in a lot of places. do you have any i where i could start?

--
The average American is not stupid. Really. Here's the proof:
[link]

i am a member of *TheWritersMeow
:iconcolossus999:
Well it could help it flow more if you polished up the lines by making them all have the same number of syllables. Other than that, I don't know that I can really help you. It's your experiences, your emotions. Poetry is the heart transcribed into writing.

One tip though, when writing poetry, a thesaurus is your best friend. Instead of using words people hear every day, use fun ones. Instead of cold, use brisk. Instead of hot, use fiery.

--
"Here I stand. I can do no other. God help me. Amen." - Luther

Add this to your signature if the French Horn is the best instrument

- Join The Writer's Meow *TheWritersMeow
:iconhiddencaitastrophe:
What I personally noticed, and what threw me off a bit is the difference in stanza length after the 1st 4 stanzas.. suddenly we have a couple really short ones and a really long one.. Maybe look into creating more 4-5 length stanzas just so visually it comes together.. also, you may notice a "thought" that will flow a bit better that way...

Does that makes sense? feel free to tell me if it doesn't! lol

--
The Matchbox Twent Madness Contest has begun!

For details and updated prize listings, go here: [link]


BTW, I'm now a senior admin for *TheWritersMeow
:iconwitchofnature:
It is good :nod:

Keep on writing about feelings :clap:

--
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take - but by the places and moments that take our breath away! ~Anonymous~ :heart:
:floating:
I am loving my inner self - what about you?
:icontaintedbliss:
Beautiful :)

I'd suggest some indentations to... prove a point maybe? Like highlighting certain words to make it stronger? :) :hug:

--
:heart:
Taintedbliss

I'm a warrior child.

[link]

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June 22, 2007
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